Trigger warning: This includes realistic depictions of insects and trypophobia-inducing images
Ah, internet shopping: It can be a wasteland, a treasure trove or a portal to the weirdest stuff you wouldn’t see on your daily walks.
Welcome to the internet, kids. From hyperrealistic cockroach plushies to acne-squeezing stress toys, here are a couple of SFW stuff I’ve found on local sites—along with my totally “official” reviews.
(Disclaimer: I don’t actually own any of these and am only judging using my all-seeing eye. Purchase with caution.)
Had it with your mom fooling you with fish inside ice cream containers? You can now exact your long-awaited revenge with this tilapia case. Insert a sealed popsicle inside the pouch, then place it inside the freezer. You’ll be out to end Ashton Kutcher’s whole career. (That’s a “Punk’d” reference.)
“Official” review: 4/5 stars. As a pescetarian, I approve. Nothing says “I only eat fish” more than a hyperrealistic pouch of your dietary preference, am I right?
“Supreme” money gun
Here’s how to finally live your “Big Pimpin’” Jay-Z fantasies without spendin’ actual G’s—a “Supreme” money gun. If you can’t shell out cash for a Supreme Oreo or a Supreme brick, a knockoff gun that shoots money out of it might be the next best thing. Bonus: You can spice up your Monopoly game by gearing yourself up with one of these bad boys. Yay, capitalist microcosms!
“Official” review: 3.5/5 stars. One review says “good,” so I’m taking their word for it.
Is your banana prone to bruises? We feel ya. Protect your precious potassium with this banana case that’s able to withstand the fiercest and longest school hours. It’s 360-degree protection for your banana—your baon will be the envy of your classmates.
“Official” review: 4/5 stars for the multifactional aspect (it can hold non-banana fruits, apparently).
For the insect-loving crowd in need of a cuddle buddy, online stores have got you covered. This cockroach plushie is a larger-than-life version of your house’s frequent visitor, but it’s still a pretty accurate copy, anatomically speaking.
“Official” review: -10/5 stars. No, just no.
Acne squeezer stress toy
If you have flawless skin but miss popping zits, then we present a stress toy that squeezes fake acne. The pimple popper toy is also perfect for budding dermatologists and those officially over boring old stress balls or bubble wrap.
“Official” review: 4/5 stars. “Endless fun,” as the official description says.
Here’s another one for the “hyperrealistic products that makes things just plain “weird” category. This alien plush comes in a variety of sizes from baby-sized extraterrestrials to “it looks like it can go to my grade school.”
“Official” review: 5/5 stars. It’s as close as I can get to starring in an “ET” remake.
Cleaver knife phone case
This nifty cleaver phone case is straight out of a butcher’s arsenal. If you feel like raising the alarm of anyone within your radius every time you answer your phone, then go ahead and click “add to cart.”
“Official” review: 3/5 stars. This might actually ban you from a mall.
Photos from Lazada and Shopee